Late Night Rambles

There have been literally a million different stories I've been meaning to capture in print, but frankly I'm too tired to put in the effort lately. But in short this is some of it.

Having joined MySpace a month after its inception back in 2003, I find Facebook to be extremely confusing and I do not like it in the least. However, since all my Rican friends are on Facebook I log in every once in a while and see what's been going on in everyone's lives.

So today I log on and see that the little sister of some chick I grew up with was recently in Africa doing some veterinary studies through the University of Florida. Then I saw some other classmate of mine's photos of her in Lima, Peru and it made me think.

Perhaps I'm showing my age and the mentality that prevails during this time of our lives, or just the mentality I was raised around, but I always thought money could be quite evil. I saw the way my mom struggled to get by when I was a kid and how so many of my classmates drove expensive cars and had tons of money and it never seemed fair 'cause half of them were jackasses. But then I saw these photos and it kind of made me smile.

Money might be evil, but I can only imagine how happy and proud their parents must be to see their little girls travel the world. And theoretically when they are fully grown and married and have kids they too will work hard so that their kids can see the world and experience life in its fullest capacity. I guess it's appreciation that changes money. When someone is grateful for what they have and don't use what fortune has come their way to just get high or drunk or spend it on expensive cars they just crash and replace or hookers and I don't know, whatever else assholes blow their mad cash on.

Because if and when I have kids I'd love it for them to see the world. At 25, I still haven't seen much of what I'd have hoped to experience, but I know that I'm still young and will get there in due time. But I would never deny my kids that if I had that kind of income. There are so many people out there in the world abused or not priviledged enough to experience such wonderous sites and sounds and foods, that I think it'd be a waste to have all that money and not see as much of the world as you truly can.

So there's that. And then there's this. If you know me then you know that my brother and I don't talk. We pretty much haven't talked since 2005, but officially officially for over a year now. I don't know what I've done for him to see me as such a selfish, reckless, inconsiderate, foolish person, but I refuse to subject myself to such an abusive relationship.

All that aside, I seriously had to fight back tears when I read his MySpace page today. We're not friends on the site, but I found him and saved him under My Favorites and now pretty much pop in and see what's going on every month or two or so. And if you know anything about my brother then you know he's an angry and cynical man who said he'd never get married or have kids and that love was all bullshit and blah blah blah.

So today I read his profile and it was the most heartbreaking thing ever. He literally pours his bleeding heart all over the place and I couldn't get over how sincere he was. He really just completely 100 percent broke out of his shell and it's baffling. And after I read every single word his broken heart confessed I found myself getting very angry. Because him and I used to be very very very very close when I was a little girl, and I can't believe I'm not there for him when he needs me most.

And as much as I wish I could be the bigger man and call him and put all the rest aside, I know we'd just end up screaming at each other again. I just can't understand why he's able to say he was wrong about love and that he's made mistakes because of this chick he's dated for 7 months, and he can never say he's sorry to me and say he's made mistakes when I've been a part of his life for 25 years.